How Closure is Just Like Writing a Book

Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Ashley Macha.

Model and Copy by: Ashley Macha
Creative Direction: Catie Menke

“you are the torn, frayed, edges of my favorite book.
the special folded edge of my favorite page.
my favorite words that I can’t help but turn to.”

Some situations in life, we can hardly wait to hang up to dry (like the entire 2020!). Other situations, our hearts or minds just can’t – or wont – let go.

I’ve always thought I was the type of person to need concrete closure. A valid explanation of why something – job, relationship, living location – had to end. One that would make me shake my head and say: “why yes, that makes complete sense.” Circumstances are not so black and white though, and what I’ve actually realized is that I’m not a person to be set in stone. I’m too open, vibrant, and empathetic to ever end the chapters in some of my books.

I won’t bore you with the details of my heartache this last year (during a pandemic year, no less!), but I will say it’s been the most painful, depressing, and often ridiculously hopeless I’ve ever felt in my 34 years. And I know I am not alone in these feelings or situations.

“that feeling when I close a chapter
and find you on the first page of the next chapter
my love, my life, my book of stories.
then again, you are all my books of stories
you always were, even when I hadn’t read you yet.”

I’ve learned – through writing and reading – to interpret closure much like a story in a book. There might be flashbacks or fast forwards; long chapters or short chapters; prequels or sequels. Characters and experiences might be present in some chapters, disappear in others and then present themselves in remarkable and surprising ways later in the journey. This rings true for life as well.

As your own story builds and grows and flourishes, so do you. And most of the time, you never know the ending of your story, which is frustrating, uncertain – even unfair at times, but there’s also beauty in the not knowing. Having blind faith that what you’ve learned in the past, how you’ve grown, the people that have appeared and left, and all the wild love you’ve shared with people is continuously pushing you forward, asking you to just exist in the present and be excited and hopeful for the future.

Whether receiving closure or not, you can always go back and re-read your story, re-learn, and re-love. Some stories are too etched inside your heart that they simply don’t end.

“she writes and writes
but nobody knows how the story ends.
not even her.”

I will again emphasis that uncertainty and confusion over something major in your life ending – something you feel was, is and could still be brilliant – is extremely difficult. Unbearable at times. Sometimes, I think I’ll never hear from this special person of mine again. Never understand how they could move on without telling me, explaining, validating that I ever meant anything to them at all. But I also remind myself that this person is on their own journey; in their own story right now. And that I support that.

But, still: heartbreak. So to cope, I write. And if words fail me and my mind is overwhelmed, I turn to activity and ask my body to do the healing work. It’s not a hard choice for me though – I work out most every single day. I adore fitness classes, seek adventure in outdoor spaces, and am energized when participating in extreme sports – all activities that have notoriously been my outlet when I’m feeling any type of feels.

Lately:

If I feel broken, I go for a long run.
If I feel hopeless, I plant myself on my yoga mat.
If I feel confused, I grab my soccer ball to kick around.
If I need to cry, I go on an elevated hike.
If I feel overwhelmed with anxiety, I pick up weights and go HAM.

I never regret the endorphin release or the centering and calming of my mental state and emotions. It reminds me to be grateful for the body I have and how movement can mend.

“sometimes, you have to fall
before your wings can feel their strength
feel the wind
and take flight.”

Another part of my own story that adds to my personal take on closure is astrology. I’m a huge believer. So, me being a hardcore Pisces completely makes sense with the thought process I have when it comes to finalities. My sign is intuitive, sensitive, and a dreamer. It’s symbolized by two fish swimming in opposite directions, representing a division of attention between reality and fantasy. I embody that description 110%. I absorb and am empathetic to every lesson – for myself or others to learn – and in every situation am able to feel and comprehend the juxtaposition of joy vs. pain, hope vs. fear, understanding vs. anger, love vs. heartbreak.

I love and believe with raw vulnerability and that creates a force of hurt for some situations, but also allows other situations to be epic, and even more magical. So, sometimes closure is just about opening your mind, heart, and soul to overcome the fear of the unknown. Instead of forcing myself to find or believe in closure, I seek consistency in a feeling and action, and just find a way to accept the present moment versus close the present moment.

“no matter what happens,
if we are in one another’s lives or not,
that moment with you,
all moments with you,
will forever live in each of my heartbeats.”

In the end, it’s okay to realize that people, job situations, etc., change their mind. That you were enough with that relationship or experience, and likewise they were enough. And the ending doesn’t mean you are no longer enough without them or that. The ending also doesn’t necessarily mean ending, because at any given moment, a new choice can be made – the same or different.

And I realize I take a more extended view in love and life, and ultimately closure. An open book versus a sealed envelope, if you will. Mostly, in my current situation with closure, I just try to be hopeful for a happy future for this person and I both, independently or together. And for that matter, the entire world, too. Because we sure need the love.

“to hope is to not escape the difficulty
or avoid the reality.
to hope is to be able to move forward
with courage, love, and a smile
despite the difficulty.”