A Look Back at 2020 and How I'm Finding the Beauty in Closure

Art Direction, Photograph and Edit by: Catie Menke. Model: Jessica Martin.

Copy by: Devon Herrera
Model: Jessica Martin
Creative Direction by: Catie Menke

As we near the end of any year, it’s easy to buy fresh planners and strategize new beginnings, especially with the atrocities that shaped 2020. And by atrocities, I clearly mean the fact that Britney’s dad still has conservatorship, as well as the subpar Tiger King costumes.

Oh, was there something else to report in the history books? But of course there was… many of which we’re yearning for closure on right now.

With the introduction of Pfizer and Maderna’s vaccines at a 95% success rate, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel; a light that is shining regardless of your beliefs about the virus, because we’re all in this together, people.

While my rational self knows we’re not going to walk around with masks forever (please, no), it’s still hard to imagine what life’s going to be like walking around Target and seeing people’s mouths for the first time in a year.

That said, I greatly look forward to the dissolved worry I will have when walking towards the toilet paper aisle, seeing it packed with Charmin and Cottonelle, because as I near my last two rolls, the stack of hand towels under the sink are getting real nervous.

In addition to the wavering state of our physical and mental health, we had an election… Remember, the political overhaul of our social media, news outlets, and literally every piece of content we consumed? We won’t soon forget. Similar to COVID, we see the finish line; we have the results, but it’s still not official as our President has rejected pleas to concede his position in office.

I’m not here to dwell or pass judgment, because I can do that just fine without prompting; my point is, it’s difficult to feel a real sense of closure when the uncertainty, or, “what if” thoughts still loom.

I’d like to touch on a few personal scenarios which invoked closure in my life and really had me questioning my sanity.

In December, when my favorite aunt was in town from San Diego, I went to a matinee showing of Bombshell with her and my grandparents (oh, how I miss the smell of movie popcorn). For some reason, it lit a big-ass fire in me that had me regurgitating Margot Robbie’s lines in my car on my 50 minute drive home, ultimately forcing me to seek out acting studios and of course, finding one that resonated.

I took to it immediately and received positive feedback from my teachers, who encouraged me to continue pushing forward on the actor path. In doing so, I found so much confidence in my intuition and abilities, so when I received feedback the other week that I was “horrible,” after a performance, I genuinely didn’t spiral like I once would have. I recognized that I was off, that I had more to give, and that my worth didn’t rely on the criticism of a single shitty scene.

While I wouldn’t say all my insecurities are “fixed” with this realization, for now at least, I can say I’ve closed the door on second-guessing my talent because damn it, I owe it to myself to trust my instincts and abilities after all the work I’ve done.

In June, I was forced to sever a relationship as that person suddenly passed away; it made me question everything in my life — how I spent my time, who I spent it with, what I was striving for, and why.

That closure afforded me the opportunity to connect with people I hadn’t in years, some of which I’ve talked to every week since that fateful day. And after a solo trip to Sedona, I was able to verbalize my relationship needs more clearly, which has made all the difference in the world.

While I miss you so much, Dustin, you’ve unsurprisingly made my life so much better even after you’re gone. (Anyone else start singing Jewel’s ‘You Were Meant For Me’ upon reading that?)