I am a Control Freak. How I'm Learning to Let Go

Art Direction and Photographs by: Catie Menke. Model: Heidi Doll.

Copy by: Dyanna Potter
Model: Heidi Doll
Creative Direction: Catie Menke

I am a control freak. I like things to be particular, in the order that I want, and the exact way that I want. But it doesn’t work. As hard as I try and the tighter I pull the reins, nothing happens.

I give “the look” and nothing. I have tried for most of my life to get exactly what I want. I signed up to be a mentor to other students and with that comes setting up a meeting time. Why is scheduling a zoom meeting like wrangling cats? I emailed the students, and nothing. I emailed my professor asking for their contact info again in case I got it wrong and nope it was right. When I finally connected with these students it was excuse after excuse.

My control freak came out with guns blazing. But I didn’t say anything. Inside it feels like a towel being wrung out. Twisting both ways, oozing frustration, slowly loosing shape. I soon felt how a wrung-out towel looks. Tired, shriveled, and completely depleted of dignity and grace. The smiling and happy Dyanna is gone. I work so hard and get nothing from others. That bugs me.

You either show up, I did, or get out of my way. My personality is one who drives forward. I’m trying to move forward as quickly and efficiently as possible. The problem with that, if you can’t keep up, you get left behind. The one of many problems with this, I usually end up alone. I have set the pace, I have decided how it will go and leave no room for others. I’ve bulldozed, so many people with this way of being. You know those god-awful videos of flood waters decimating entire cities? That’s me. I can easily wipe out anyone in my path if they don’t choose to keep up.

Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Heidi Doll.

I used to say I was tenacious and driven and resilient. There wasn’t much that would keep me from getting what I wanted without realizing the carnage left in my wake. That’s when I realized I need to change. This way of thinking and being was leaving me completely alone, and without the support that I craved. I wanted people on my team that had my same vision but I was so busy moving forward that I couldn’t see the help.

That’s when I knew I had to change. I was venting to my husband about the desire for help and venting my frustration because I had so much on my plate. What he said shocked me to my core. He said, “You don’t let people help you.” (record scratch) How dare he say that? Of course I let people help me. I know I looked stunned because he said “You ask for help, but you don’t actually let people help you. Because you try and speed up the timeline, or you do it yourself.”

I could not believe what he was saying. One of my favorite and hardest questions that I ask myself is, why? It all came back to control. Control is fueled by fear. I’m afraid that someone that I want to show up for me, won’t. I’m afraid that I will look bad. I’m afraid that if I let go, and just let it be I’ll fail. I’ve learned a few tricks that help me combat the feelings of fear. There are a series of questions that I ask:

How do I feel?
What do I want?

Each of these take time to answer so if you do ask yourself these questions, just let it take time. When I ask how do I feel I get to purge all of the ill feelings I have. I usually rant to myself in the car or scribble illegible sentences to release the pressure. After I feel a little better I ask myself what do I want? What I want usually is something simple, like I want relief, I want trust, I want confidence etc. The trick to this question is “I”. When I would rope other people into my wants they turn into complaints and opportunities for disappointment and resentment. When it’s all me, that is immediately eliminated.

The next 4 questions don’t take as long to answer. This is another way to diffuse and release pressure that builds with frustration. These don’t take as long to answer, and they are very humbling. Is my control worth destroying closeness, intimacy, rapport and opportunity? The answer is almost always no. I can say I haven’t answered yes, yet. If I say yes, I’m risking way more than if I were to relinquish control.

As I’ve adopted these questions, and the effort to relinquish control my anxiety has gone down. Imagine that. I also don’t feel disappointed as often, and when I do, I know how to diffuse myself. I know how to get back on track. I’ve also realized how important self care is. When my self care tank is overflowing I don’t feel nearly as many negative emotions. Life is just easier. I can relinquish control much easier. When my self care is running on fumes I am so grumpy. Nothing goes right and the control freak version of me comes back.

I have to keep her at bay with loads of walks outside, spending time in my garden, watching stand-up comedy, and spending time with my girlfriends. Relinquishing control is self care. Without it I try and juggle too much. I’m taking on pain for no reason. Is it worth losing myself? Definitely not!

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