Time, She's Unique. How I Felt About Time During My Recent Breast Ultrasound
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Jessica Martin.
Model and Copy by: Jessica Martin
Creative Direction by: Catie Menke
I find myself often wondering where time is going. It feels like it’s jetting by most days without the decency of stopping for a quick, “hello” or “how are you doing?” But there are times (always the most inconvenient) when it has a tendency to stand still. That’s what I’m going to talk about.
Recently, I had the experience of needing a breast ultrasound. It was a 6 month follow-up of an area they wanted to keep an eye on. I knew this appointment was coming for the last 6 months. The news on the last set of tests came back good and I had no reason to believe the news today would change however, getting older means needing to be aware of our health in a way our youth never has to worry about.
While I sat in the waiting room lobby I felt calm and collected. My mind kept telling me this was routine and everything was going to be okay. That my doctor was just wanting to be extra cautious in dotting her i’s and crossing her t’s. Something I am in full support of being her patient.
It wasn’t until I was taken to the back area that my calm, cool and collected head went out the door. I mean, it was like, “Sayonara! All hands on deck because we are freaking out now!” The gentleman who called my name showed me where to grab a gown, change and take a seat when I was ready.
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Jessica Martin.
making quick mental notes that my skin color looked good, I haven’t had any major weight gain or loss, my appetite is still good, my hair is fine, teeth strong, eyes clear and healthy. I’m no doctor but I couldn’t help but do a once over at my breasts in the mirror and thought, “nothing to note here, just regular HEALTHY boobies.”
I grabbed my items and went to place them in the locker realizing there were two other women sitting and waiting. One was on her phone making quick agitated gestures. The other was a much older woman sitting quietly and calmly looking at the floor. I decided to take a seat on the opposite side of them. Truthfully, I didn’t want anyone speaking to me. I was already trying to quiet the loud voices in my own head. I didn’t have the energy to carry on two conversations.
and taking a chance I’d see something that would further upset me. I crossed my legs and studied the keychain in my hands. I felt my body betray me as sweat began dripping from my underarms (even though it was freezing), I felt clammy and I had to fight off tunnel vision a few times.
I kept thinking about my time working at a cancer center for several years. I was in my mid-late 20’s at the time and I remember thinking then, mid 30’s seemed a more “natural time” to begin worrying about things like this. There was a false sense of safety I had in my 20’s. Still clinging to the invincibility of youth. Now in my mid 30’s, I still feel like a child at times and can’t believe this is the new normal. Screenings, testings, worry and planning for (God forbid) worse case scenarios.
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Jessica Martin.
When I say time stood still, it definitely felt like it did in that waiting room. No one said anything to anyone as more women came and went. While there were no conversations taking place, there was an evident presence of something bigger than all of us in that room. Something none of us had control over. I’ve taken statistics and I knew deep down not all of us were leaving with good news that day.
I remember saying silent prayers in my head asking for God’s grace and healing once again, all the while feeling guilty that I’d let my daily prayer life slip and hoping He wouldn’t fault me for needing him again. It went something like this, “I realize I am a needy child at times God and sometimes I take you for granted but please, I just ask once more for your grace in this situation. I promise again I will do better. Please don’t be angry that I need you again.”
Finally, it was my turn. I had the ultrasound and received the result from the radiologist fairly quickly. “It’s still there but hasn’t changed. We still don’t think there is anything to worry about (whew!) but your doctor may want to keep an eye for the next 2 years.” What a pill to swallow. I wanted this to be done. I didn’t want this looming over me for any amount of time but I’ll take what I can get for now.
At least I’m good for another day. Another 6 months to a year and all I can do is take the best care of myself, continue to be as good a person I can be to those I love and live as meaningful a life as I can. That’s all any of us can do. Try to do better than the day before and sow good into other people’s lives.
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