From Mindless Chatter to Deep Talks: Conversation Starters for Deeper Connection
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Models: Jenna Lee and Rachael Redunski.
Copy and Editor: Jeni Fjelstad
Models: Jenna Lee and Rachael Redunski
Creative Direction: Catie Menke
I wake up and message my friends back right away. I say “good morning” to passersby. I nod or wave to people during my morning walk. I listen and respond during conversation. I post on social media. All day every day, I am communicating.
Odds are, you are too. Communication is so integral to daily life that you can often forget that it’s happening at almost every moment. It’s effortless sometimes, and other times it weighs on you.
But all too often, we get stuck this cycle:
Twenty times a day I have this exact conversation. In the past, my best friend accused me of having this exchange with her five times a day. She was always good. I was always fine. It could be the worst day ever, and we’d still have the same less-than-truthful answers.
Ever since, I’ve begun to think we should expect more from our conversations. And real, genuine answers can only come from starting with better questions, ones that get at something more precise and personal. In my contemplation of how women can feel more empowered in conversation with strangers, romantic partners, friends and family members, I’ve thought up some better questions to replace the “how are you” that so often ends in passive, dishonest responses. (Feel free to use these conversation starters on a date, too.) Plus, some fail-safe tips to spark that quality communication you and I crave.
I love your shoes! Where did you get them and how do they fit into your personal style?
Why do you come to this store (or restaurant)?
What are you working on? It looks really interesting.
If you got the chance to go on your dream destination, but you had to go alone, would you?
Are you glad to have been born in the time period you were? Or is there one you’d rather be part of?
I noticed your tattoo. What does it mean to you?
What do you think your coffee order says about your personality?
What’s something you’re proud of yourself for that you’ve been keeping to yourself?
How do you think others perceive you?
Have you been feeling insecure about anything lately?
How did you live out one of your personal values today?
What emotions are you experiencing right now?
What’s been one moment that you wish everyone would forget?
How have you been feeling lately?
What’s something you feel has been weighing on you lately?
What’s one thing you wish you could add to your day/week that you haven’t been able to?
When you think of “the past,” what do you think about?
Tell me something good. What’s inspired you lately?
What were you like when you were my age?
Do you see parts of yourself in me?
As you’re trying these out on strangers you see out in public (or, let’s be honest, a crush), with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, or with your family, some universal tips will make you a pro conversationalist in no time. I’ll assume you already know the basics of how to communicate effectively, like eye contact, active listening, and smiling.
One thing that seems so obvious but that has been unfailing for me is to give compliments. Of all the things I notice about people that I admire in a day, I only say about half. Working to actually communicate when you think a fellow human is rocking it, can skyrocket the amount of pleasant conversations and good vibes in the day.
Another way to connect better with others is to use their name when you’re talking to them. If they’re someone you just met, say the name enough to remember it. But even if you’ve known them forever, saying their name will act like a happy flag to their brain that you care specifically about them and are paying attention to them. This conversation strategy can lead to them liking you better and feeling better about the conversation overall.
Equipped with all this, you can turn strangers into friends, or really just have an overall great conversation with the ones you love.
More from Jeni in Self
Keep up with us
