How To Build Real, Genuine Relationships With Self-Work
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Models: Zaryn Nicole and Natalie Rose.
Copy by: Nicole Vivian
Models: Zaryn Nicole & Natalie Rose
Editor: Jeni Fjelstad
Creative Direction: Catie Menke
We have all met someone and had strong feelings that overtake us — an overwhelming attraction, a sense of knowing that this person is supposed to be a part of our story — somehow, some… way. They must be someone of importance to stir up such an intense sense of emotion deep in our souls. They make us feel things that we do not quite know how to define. Are we nervous? Are these butterflies? Is this the ONE or just another one passing through — adding to the story of “who I am” and “how I have become the person I am today?”
I have spent most of my life equating these interactions as divine meetings, quick glimpses of true love, lust, and — on rare occasions — attachment.
Our culture and society is deeply enamored by the idea of BIG love. The kind of love that moves us to the core. The love that enables us to be better, to live in a world all our own, dancing and moving in sync in every possible way. It’s passionate, dedicated, committed — it’s that big screen, movie theater kind of love. The palms sweaty, knees shaking, heart pounding, life changing LOVE.
As I have gotten older and moved into my 30s, I have had a few revelations about relationships of all kinds. Love is important. Lust is fun. And attachment — it is a part of life that shapes us — yet, all of them revolve around balance.
Attachment theory is fascinating and possibly a topic for another time, but in short we all learn attachment beginning in our childhood relationships with our caregivers and those we look up to. The ones who are supposed to provide all-encompassing security and safety. These relationships are the basis of our ever-evolving friendships and romantic relationships as we grow from adolescents to adults.
Intensity can make us feel alive, and, by no means am I saying that we should not feel or look for an intense connection. Rather what I am saying is to build something real and genuine we need to learn how to decipher between authentic connections versus the lessons. This is what I have learned in my experience:
Do The Work: Introspection. Reflection. Looking inward. Give yourself the love that you deserve. Self-work can be tough. It can be triggering. Here when I say ‘do the work’ I mean have a high regard for your well-being. Understand that self-work practices can be the stepping stone to genuinely understanding our relationships and attachments with others. Self-work is important and involves deep reflection of our life and the relationships, events, and roles we have played that have shaped us. It allows us to open up and become more aware of what makes us tick, what triggers us, and what sets our souls on fire. Taking care of oneself can nourish the soul and be a positive process to improve our mental headspace such as:
Journal - Try free-writing, this can be about anything that is on your mind. When you are done, reflect on what you have written. Is there anything more that you can clarify? Did it bring up another area in which you need to delve deeper?
Act - Now that you have done some free-writing and reflected on life events, relationships, or other personal matters, how can you take action to improve upon your response to these situations or people? Action is the catalyst to change, and change is necessary for growth.
Get adequate sleep - I know this sounds funny to add into self-work, but the more restful sleep you get, the better you will feel and the more clearly your brain will function, which in turn will help you to truly reflect and analyze during the free-writing activity.
Eat clean and hydrate - Again, taking care of oneself is truly an all-encompassing task from what we put into our bodies, the content we consume, and the thoughts racing through our brains. Clean, healthy, colorful food and proper hydration will give you more energy. It can lift brain fog and help you focus on the positive. This will affect your mood, brain function, and overall health.
Understand Your Patterns: Once you have done the above, it will be easier to recognize your patterns. After all, hindsight is 20/20, and it can be difficult to spot the pattern while you are in the midst of it. Now that you are aware, you can be more mindful in your daily actions. This is done by paying closer attention to details and ultimately finding deeper meaning in the interactions or events that transpire in your life. Recognizing patterns can free you up by breaking down your own blocks and barriers. This gives you the power to take responsibility for your life rather than pointing a finger and blaming others for lessons and patterns you need to learn. This process is messy, confusing, and heart-breaking, yet in the end, this is what will crack you wide open to all the love that is waiting for you.
Love is a CHOICE: Love is more than a feeling. It is a choice. It takes effort and deep understanding. We set intentions individually and with our partner, followed by actions that align with that bigger vision. It is co-creating and alchemizing the life, the feelings of passion, dedication, commitment, and intensity that we all desire. We do this by being the partner who draws out the sense of peace and safety in our person, and because of balance — our partner does the same for us. It is being each others’ equals, while understanding that neither of us will always be operating at 100%. But we do our best to show up, to be authentic and vulnerable, and CHOOSE love. We choose one another.
At the end of the day, I believe we are all looking for deep meaningful connections to others. If we want to find healthy relationships, we must do our part to find balance. Looking inward, sifting through our own experiences — all of this — allows us to take responsibility for the role we play in our lives. It gives us clarity in how we show up for ourselves and for those around us. It removes the fog and helps us to genuinely find and focus on building healthy relationships. Doing the work is a choice. Understanding your patterns is a choice. Love is a choice. Each one of these means that we need to be diligent and set positive intentions. We need to be open, honest, vulnerable, and willing to crawl through the nitty gritty to get to the other side. It takes work to make anything in life work. You can do it.
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