Wearing Nothing but Moonlight: Why I Chose to Try a Full Moon Release
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Dyanna Potter.
Model and Copy by: Dyanna Potter
Creative Direction: Catie Menke
TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains themes of domestic violence which may be upsetting to some readers.
If you or anyone you know needs help finding support, please go to thehotline.org for more information.
The memories of my first marriage are like an old novel. At the time and the few years following I could remember everything. I remember all of the fights, the tears, the memories, the heart ache. They stayed fresh in my mind about 2 years following my divorce. But over time, those memories faded. They lost their grip, but occasionally, like a hand from the grave I felt myself sucked right back in. I was reliving the fears, and the turmoil all over again, but the memories stay faded. At times I couldn’t remember what my ex-husband looked like or sounded like. I can’t remember his birthday, or specific memories that we shared but the emotional pain lingered like a miasma of despair.
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Dyanna Potter.
I envision those memories as faded, dark, scarred, moldy, and covered in vines. They weighed me down for the past 10 years. Even though the memories are faded, the weight of them remained. Ever present and cumbersome to my heart.
When peeling back the layers, it was agony to piece together the feelings and the memories. Each of them had taken on a life of their own in my heart, like a parasite, slowly sucking the life from me. Manipulating my thoughts and ideas of what love is. Behind my thoughts and reactions were these memories, haunting me for the last 10 years.
I was introduced to a full moon release the week prior to the full moon. My therapist told me I could “release” what was no longer serving me. I knew the exact memories I wanted to rid myself of.
It wasn’t serving me because I felt like I lost my ability to choose. I lost me. Shadowing my life and my actions, and my thoughts and my heart was this dark cloud. A thorn. Leaving me vexed. After 10 years, why is this still a bother? Because I willingly chose to keep it. Despite my desire to move on, I chose to keep that pain and those memories close. They were a disgusting badge of honor that I wore to show that I was a survivor.
Despite a person who wanted me to fail miserably, I prevailed. I looked back at those memories and used them as my temperature gauge. As bad as life got, it could always get worst. I would tell myself, it’s not as bad as the times he threatened my life. It’s not as bad as the time he told me he didn’t care if I died. It could always get worst.
It was time to stop checking the rearview mirror. Now was the time release what was no longer serving me. As the full moon rose, I could feel her lunar power starting to grow. The light changed from a warm amber to a stark white. The moons power starting to bathe everything. The darkness of the night turned to a bright luminescence that mimicked high noon.
Art Direction and Photograph by: Catie Menke. Model: Dyanna Potter.
I could feel her power growing within me. As I look around, the memories bubbled to the surface. The energy emitted from the moon was unlike anything else I had ever felt before. The week prior to the release, dwelling on the memories was painful, and downright hard. And now to bring them up again was different. I knew there was an end to my dwelling. The pain was not going to linger like it had in the past. With a full moon release I was able to focus on the past, the present that would ultimately affect my future, and release it. The past pain and memories of my first marriage was no longer serving me. It was sucking the happiness and joy from my life. Even though I had “worked through it” occasionally the pain would rear its ugly head and blind side me.
I focused all of my energy on as many memories as I could muster, stripped off all my clothes and just stood there. Fully nude wearing nothing but moonlight! The tears rolled down my cheeks and my body. I focused on the weight those memories brought and felt all of it. 10 years of weight, literally pulling on my heart strings, my throat, my stomach, my shoulders, my neck. The weight of all of it compiled into one moment.
The weight reminded me how much I didn’t want it anymore. How much I didn’t want to lug these boulders of pain with me to every relationship. I imagined dropping huge rocks into the ocean from a high cliffside. One by one, the memories plummeting to their death and ending their life with an epic splash. One after another after another. When there were no boulders left I opened my eyes and gazed at her. The full moon, in all her glory. Giving me the renewing energy, I desperately needed to separate me from the memories.
She stared back at me, proud and supportive of my decision. Her ability to carry me through such an exhausting feat is one I will never forget. When I looked back at her and she looked at me, I felt like I was shining back at her. We were one in that moment. I looked around me, the world felt different. The light was pure. The brilliance on the trees and grass and the plants around me was unadulterated. I felt unadulterated. Without the weight of the past I could soak in the moonlight. Bask in her greatness and she basked in mine.
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